yawn/sigh

at 12:06 AM on August 12, 2005 .

i really don't know what the heck happened to me. i feel like a diff person. it feels like something snapped, died or something. i am finding it hard just to be 'carefree'.  I don't know how to explain it. i really don't know how....it's weird....i don't know if we lose peices of us b/c of things but i could believe it.

i guess i'm sad too b/c i know i'm on the outs with god but i know he is all, the power, the strength, joy, hope, you name it. but i don't know how to let go of the stupid things in life that hurt me. [yay! crying again] it's like....he can't even hear me b/c i'm angry at my mom and hate her for the way she is. or hear me b/c i'm just so stupid. it seems like i can not get this thing right. -life.

gosh i don't even know. i'm so sick of life. i really am.

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hmmm

at 11:35 PM on August 15, 2005 .

i can't sleep, but i'm sleepy so i will try again soon. any way i can't stop thinking (hmm..prob the answer to my non-sleeping). I donno.....is it horrible to have second thoughts about going away for college? I didn't really realize i really kind of don't want to anymore. It kind of surfaced today and i just cried b/c i don't know if i want to go anymore- which is really sad considering i leave in less than a week. i dont want to just say i don't want to go anymore b/c everything is towards that and has been for months. and what the heck would people think? errr...i already put my two weeks in for work and have lots of stuff in order for leaving. i am just not sure. i don't know if it is just me b/c i am definately not close to the lord right now. i am not content, but i really kind o fthink it is just me. i am scared b/c i don't even know if i have saved enough money to make it down, and i don't have enough to pay off the enrollment fee yet. i have been paying little payments but i still have to pay the most of it. i am going to call tomorrow and ask if they will allow me to pay 50-75 when i get there on tues. then  100 more of it on thur when i get my last paycheck and then the rest ....75-100 a week later on the 1st. i'm flustered b/c i don't know that they will and if they wont i can't go anyway and then what the heck will i do. i'm so mixed up.

i really wish that someone would help me. i wish that my parents were worthy of even having children. i bet my mom doesn't even say goodbye. this really really hurts. i can't even explain it. i thought about emailing her and saying "just saying bye b/c i figured you weren't goin to" but i dont know.

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awesome song

at 12:27 AM on August 16, 2005 .

i love this song. i heard it right when i was posting the last post. anyhow had to figure out who it was!!!! i wish you could hear it. it's very pretty/deep..well night

No One Else Knows

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

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