awesome song

at 12:27 AM on August 16, 2005 .

i love this song. i heard it right when i was posting the last post. anyhow had to figure out who it was!!!! i wish you could hear it. it's very pretty/deep..well night

 

No One Else Knows

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

respond here

hmmm

at 11:35 PM on August 15, 2005 .

i can't sleep, but i'm sleepy so i will try again soon. any way i can't stop thinking (hmm..prob the answer to my non-sleeping). I donno.....is it horrible to have second thoughts about going away for college? I didn't really realize i really kind of don't want to anymore. It kind of surfaced today and i just cried b/c i don't know if i want to go anymore- which is really sad considering i leave in less than a week. i dont want to just say i don't want to go anymore b/c everything is towards that and has been for months. and what the heck would people think? errr...i already put my two weeks in for work and have lots of stuff in order for leaving. i am just not sure. i don't know if it is just me b/c i am definately not close to the lord right now. i am not content, but i really kind o fthink it is just me. i am scared b/c i don't even know if i have saved enough money to make it down, and i don't have enough to pay off the enrollment fee yet. i have been paying little payments but i still have to pay the most of it. i am going to call tomorrow and ask if they will allow me to pay 50-75 when i get there on tues. then  100 more of it on thur when i get my last paycheck and then the rest ....75-100 a week later on the 1st. i'm flustered b/c i don't know that they will and if they wont i can't go anyway and then what the heck will i do. i'm so mixed up.

i really wish that someone would help me. i wish that my parents were worthy of even having children. i bet my mom doesn't even say goodbye. this really really hurts. i can't even explain it. i thought about emailing her and saying "just saying bye b/c i figured you weren't goin to" but i dont know.

mood: stressed

respond here

yawn/sigh

at 12:06 AM on August 12, 2005 .

 
noize: anointed
mood: sad

respond here

sighs

at 12:02 AM on July 19, 2005 .

I had an ok day. It was sort of one of those days where something lingered and made me sad but i can't really explain it. so towards the end it was "one of those days". I tried to apply for my work's credit card-but got denied b/c i donno why. Maybe b/c i don't have credit yet-I donno. So I came to my sisters tonight b/c i didn't really wanna go home. I just tried to look up my credit report but it won't work.

I don't want to fall into depression/confusion and anger again at God b/c of my circumstance. Even though everything keeps coming against me i want to trust him, but i am still i donno sad. i really gotta pray. so if anyone is readin' this pray for me too-please.

noize: kristy starling- as long as we're here
mood: crushed

respond here

make a title up lol

at 12:07 AM on July 18, 2005 .

i hate making titles for posts! I can never think of one.

Anyhow, today was a good day. well, it was sunday of course- which is always great. Fellowship/worship with other believers.

This morning was good. Sunday school, then church. I had to sing today. (twice). In the morning service I sung with the choir- "cast all your cares" the lord really is making me do things over and over again lol until i say "oK!!!" (like singing!!!it's like the 5th time this month!!!! what's he doin' to me!???? lolol) The people in church really encourage me- it is really my family.

Anyhow I really liked Pastors sermon, it was on Joy. Well, really 1 John. lol. But it talks about joy. I joked with Gina that our bat, Grimlin, gives me joy. lol. Joy comes from the Lord though. However, his creatures do give me a sense of i donno-goodness! LOL. (well except spiders).

Anyhow- so then it was Haley's bday today. She turned one. Haley is Mary's (the lady I live with) grandaughter. She's a cutie. Anyhow so we had that part then I left to pick up Gina for choir-early so I could practice, but I wasn't on time b/c I was blocked in my cars. So anyway the choir got a new choir book. I love it. the songs are awesome. I really love this one song......

Father, Let Me Dedicate

Father, let me dedicate all this life to Thee in whatever worldly state Thou would have me be; Not from sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare i claim. This alone shall be my prayer:

Glorify Thy name. (be glorified) Be glorified in me (in me be glorified) be glorified(be glorified in me be glorified) be glorified in me

Can a child presume to choose where or how to live? Can a Father's love refuse all the best to give? Let my glad heart, while it sings, Thee in all proclaim And whate'er the future brings,

Glorify thy name (be glorified) be glorified in me (in me be glorified) be glorified (be glorified in me be glorified) be glorified in me

Not from sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare I claim. this alone shall be my prayer. Glorify thy name. be glorified in me be glorified, be glorified to me, be glorified Be glorified in me be glorified, be glorified in me be glorified be glorified be glorified

Anyhow, I love it!!

ok so anyhow. I sung "if you want me to" tonight for my special. I think it was ok- but I know the Lord heard it from my heart so that's what matters. It definately says where my heart is with the Lord right now.

"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

and I dont know why you brought me here

but just because you love me, the way that you do

I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when i took my first step

And i'm clingin' to the promise you're not through with me yet

So with all of these trials bring me closer to you

and i will go through the fire if you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

when you lead me through a world thats not my home

But you never said it would be easy

you only said i'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me

and i'm all by myself

And i can't hear you answer my cries for help

I'll rememeber the suffering your love put you through

and I will go through the valley if you want me to."

I wasn't gonna say a verse, but them one just came to mind "all things work together for those that love God and are called according to his purpose rm. 8:28

Anyhow the night service was good b/c we had a missionary! I love it when we have missionaries!!!

Anyhow, I was planning on coming home-going to bed early, and restin' up before work tomorrow. but scott (youth leader/mission leader)stopped me and asked me what i was doing after church- i said nothing-then he asked gina- she said the same thing. so we got to go to dinner with the missionary and scott. It was really exciting b/c we got to ask so many questions and just have a good time. Then gina and i were not done speaking so we went to steak n shake b/c it was like the only place open! and we sat there, ordered two shakes (didn't eat them[much at all]!!!) and talked. It was real nice. Then hmm...i went home....got online! I am gonna go soon to do my study and then bed.

nighters and much love

josie

respond here

?

at 11:41 PM on July 17, 2005 .

Well today was a decent day. Nothing seriously horrible happened. i did make a mistake in driving out in front of a lady. I totally didn't see her. There was like a whoel care of free space, but it till was close (in my mind) I still feel bad I wish I could apologize for my stupidity. Then I thought i'm sure teh Lord will accept it, because it's not like I even know who the lady is. but I am truly sorry!!!

I asked Gina to lunch today. It was nice. I coudln't bring myself to tell her my feelings on things!

Anyhow work was fine. I admire certain qualities in one of the cart boys-Jeff. He just has such a bubbly, yet honest personality. He's funny too. he dances all the time, like weird cute stuff. Like jumping in the air and clapping his feet/anckles together. it is amusing. his olde rbrother David is bublly too. They must have good parents. they are just too amusing. It really brightens my day.

Hmmm... I was thinking today. I really want to see if an nursing home allow s volunteer visitos to come and simply spend time with people. It saddens my heart- burdents it, so deeply, to know there are older people who don't have anyone who cares. it is so sad. So sad.... it really breaks my heart. I almost cry seeing people who have to do things alone who really really really shouldnt' and nearly cant. there was a gentleman today that brought all these emotions up I 100000% wish I had more courage to ask him how his life is and if he is lonely if he needs company or help. One day, maybe. Last week I got myself two donuts and a drink I sat down and a man , older man, bought a soup cup for a drink holder b/c it was cheaper. i know he sitll got his drink but I wanted so badly to give him a cup!! Anyhow, So  I was at a table- he was at one a bit away. so I moved. I just rolled over and said "I'm gonna sit here with you." and offered to share my donut. But he declined. Anyhow, he was a very nice man. He has lots of health problems, and tol dme about some also, he was getting bad bruses (sp?) from citrum-the vitamins. He said he threw them out Anyway he was very nice. I think his name was Jim- thought I am not 100% sure.

I haven't done my devotinal, so I am going to get to it shortly. i have to sleep! Tomm will be busy. The new Harry Potter bk comes out. "yikes." First, I wanna say a few more things. the song "Thank you for giving to the Lord" came on teh radio today on my way home. It really makes me think of me to my church Crosspointe! They are just so giving and I have been totally affected by it. he is great. They are great for giving to me in Him

I love you Lord

Josie

respond here

;)

at 11:26 PM on July 17, 2005 .

The Lord really does amaze me. He keeps giving me more and more passion for his word- just like I asked

I simply truly didn't know if I could "feel" again after my huge backslide or fall. It is just amazing. EAch day a little more of his word I am reading or hearing. I am opening more and more to Him. Lord I do love you. I just ask that ou keep working on me and dont give up, ever.

Also, I pray for Shannon and mark. Please Lord some how touch her soul-break it-use her life. Open her spirit and fill it.

Your grace is so amazing. it is so encouraging that you have a new believer in your kingdom-Brad Bove's step dad. It is so encouraging to hear that they kept praying-years and he finally  accepted you. AMAZING. It truly blows me away. Praise be unto you. Help me trust you with finances and keep on track. Please. Lord provide somehow for me to go to CIu. I truly feel that you want me there. I need your help to make it. I cannot do it alone. it is too big for me and I get discouraged too quickly Lord. Just thank you for not giving up on me and being faithful even when I fail. Love, your daughter-Josie

respond here

i donno

at 11:20 PM on July 17, 2005 .

I have not felt well all day. I just am drained- no energy. i hvae not been really hungry since before yesterday. Anyway, I am going to eats LOTS better. I have not eaten three good meals consistently for 3-4 weeks. I know- or think it's one of the reasons I have not felt 100% for a while. Another reason, my backsliding and stress. However, my spiritual life is picking up- slowly. The LORd i sreally providing teh passion I need in seeking Him and His word. It really is amazing. i still have moemnts when i am "lost" and sad-confused- but there is hope again in my soul. things aren't perfect. I still have a VERY LONG road to go. I still and discouraged with school, I do not know how the Lord is giong to provide finacially. I am very scared I won't make enough. I have not kept good track of my finances and I don't have money to pay rent yet. I feel horrible. I should have half this week- the rest in future weeks. I have need to take all of this to the Lord. The eal or main reason I am journaling is because I went to the kitchen, ate a few handfuls of cheerios and a warm cup of unsweetened tea (trying to feel a bit better) I was in there a good hour. I started reading a magazine that was on the table... "decision." It's a christian magazine. Anyhow, there were some really good stories and things, but a puritan pray caught my eye and heart. I think it is excellent. "My Father, enlarge my heart., warm my affections, open my lips, supply words that proclaim "LOVE LUSTRES AT CALVARY." There grace removes my burdents and heaps them on thy son, made a transgressor, who spared not thine only son that thou mightes spare me...help me to adore thee by lips and life. O that my every breath might be ecstatic praise

respond here

ramblings

at 11:12 PM on July 17, 2005 .

I just finished reading some out of a new devotional I bought (to try to get on the correct toard of being int he word). Anyway- today it showed God as the branch. Protector-forgiver. sustainer. I thought to myself. It is so amazing how much grace He has for His schildren. I know I do not have that level of grace in my heart. Maybe that's why I forget God's magnitude sometimes. I compare Him to human standards. Then my faith falls low b/c all humans have done is let me down. So I am working on renewing my mind. I am reading scripture and I came upon Romans 12. I like what my study bible says about v. 1 & 2. (And so, dear brothers and sisters. I plead with you to give your bodies to god. Let them be a living sacrifice-the kind he will accept. when you think of what he has done for you.Is this too much to ask? Don't copy the behavior of the world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.) First, this is just awesome. It's all in the mind. Everything will go extra-wrong if teh focus is off him. It is encouraging to know that He is helping me reshape my mind- by the word, but in addition he will help me to realize His perfect will for me Ok, so anyway the extra bit says, "God has good, pleasing and perfect plans for his children. He wants us to be transformed people with renewed minds, living to honor and obey Him. Because He wants only what is best for us. And because he gave his son to make our new life possible, we should joyfully give ourselves as living sacrifices for his service." that is so encouraging to me on many levels. First, He has a PERFECT plan for my life. No flaws! Second, he loves me deeply enought o give His son! Third, He allows me to be used- lowly little ol me! we had a missionary speak this morning . Bill Smith. He was really good, but you know why? It was just him, in God's power. I could tell. Maybe I know because when I do singing or something I am sooo volnurable. I definately don't get up there for me, but for God and I just got that vibe. It was also encouraging b/c I am going to be a missionary. I have a heart for people. I am so curious where the Lord will send me, but it is true "wherever he leads, I'll go." I will. What other choice can I make? None. In addition, tonight there was a children's ministry play or musical. It was so cute. It kind of brings up heart-ache b/c my parents don't care to spend time with me or know me, but apparently that's the way they are. (Lord I ask you to take my grief/pain and anger and forgive it. Please help me to learn from the pain.) I do desire though-more than anything on earth to have a loving Godly upright husband and bear a child and raise it with every ounce of love we have. I want that so bad. Patience is a virtue though. And God will provide everything in due time. Any way gettin' kind of sleepy! Have a great night. Love, Josie

respond here